A young South African female doctor inspired a nationwide conversation about a form of domestic abuse that is often shrouded in silence – economic abuse.
In a series of viral videos, Dr. Celiwe Ndaba begins with how she said she was financially exploited by her husband, how it spins and causes them to separate.
The mother, who had been in her car for three weeks, was stuck in a toxic marriage and felt manipulated to fund her husband’s lifestyle – especially when he was willing to drive Mercedes Benz.
Dr. Endaba said lending him to buy the vehicle was the “worst decision” of her life, putting the family under tremendous financial pressure.
Although her husband was going to be downgraded, she said he refused – accusing her of wanting to “turn him into laughing stocks by having him drive a small car.”
The doctor said she wanted to warn others and she was yelling out – not only “uneducated” and “unfortunate” women find themselves in an abusive relationship.
Her estranged husband, Temitope Dada, has not responded to a request for comment from the BBC.
He set up a Tiktok account after the social media storm, and he in the first video he admitted: “You probably know I’m…’Mr. Benz or nothing.'”
A handful of posts he has posted are accompanied by hashtags like #DivorCetrauma—said the allegations are lies.
Nevertheless, the comment section about Dr. Ndaba Tiktok and other social media platforms has been transformed into a support group that includes women who raise their families, who share unusually similar stories.
One person commented: “You are brave enough to speak out publicly…I have been in pain in silence.”
Cape Town-based lawyer Bertus Preller believes this is because while South African women are becoming doctors, lawyers and entrepreneurs, getting a high-paying job doesn’t necessarily release them from the patriarchal clutch.
He said women’s financial independence clashed with “cultural norms that prioritize male authority.”
If anything, their success seems to make them the target.
The lawyer explains that financial abuse occurs when one partner rules or uses another partner’s financial resources.
“This is a delicate and powerful domestic violence strategy designed to keep the victims under control,” he said.
In South Africa, this is legally classified as economic abuse under the Domestic Violence Act.
Mr Preller said the bill covers such as “unfairly withholding funds for essential goods or interfering with shared assets”.
Stories of women sharing credit cards with male partners while going out for dinner [Getty Images]
A university lecturer who asked to be anonymous told the BBC how her husband lied about her qualifications and eventually led her to financial destruction.
Starting with her car, he drove primarily but never refueled. She then brought loans to several of his failed commercial businesses. Eventually, she said he had stopped giving out eviction notices when he said he had stopped donating to rent, which put her on all costs for her family, including three children.
Despite this, they stayed together for nearly a decade – even he was physically abused.
She said: “He is very smart…I fell in love with his smart people, his big dream. But he can’t follow their actions. His pride is his downfall.”
Even though he managed to make money, he still didn’t contribute.
“He started to withhold the money he had for himself. He would drink with his friends and come back – the salary has gone.”
In addition to controlling money, financial abuse often has deep psychological roots, says Somila Gogoba, a legal and financial expert.
“For abusers, this behavior may stem from a feeling of inadequacy, a need for abandonment or for domination,” she told the BBC.
“For victims, psychological effects include feelings of valuelessness, fear and dependence, which can be paralyzed.”
Research from the University of South Africa shows that these are not isolated cases, and that women who go beyond their partners face higher risks of intimate partner violence.
In an in-depth study of 10 women, they were the main breadwinner of their families, with only two married.
“For eight participants, their choice was caused by their experiences of physical, emotional and sexual violence … All women said they believed that their role as women feed their families was seen as a traditional male role that threatened the provider,” said researcher Bianca Parry.
“Black women face dual patriarchy: Western expectations, traditional expectations at home. When these collisions, harmful ideologies escalate” Source: Nombulelo Shange, Source Description: Lecturer of Sociologists at the University of Free State, Image: Nombulele Shange: Nombulele Shange: NOMBULELO SHANGE
Ms Gogoba said that despite the economic contribution, women breadwinners are worth less than men: “This cultural background can encourage some partners to feel empowered to control their finances even if they don’t contribute the same.
“This control is not only about money, but also about power, and maintains control over the dynamics of the relationship.”
Nombulelo Shange, a sociologist lecturer at the University of Free State, said it was part of an increasingly large pattern of economic use by South Africa’s growing middle-class women.
She told the BBC: “Black women face dual patriarchy: Western expectations, traditional expectations at home. When these collisions, harmful ideologies escalate.”
She explains that balancing the pressure of becoming a successful woman, but playing “carers, mothers, good wives, good neighbors and community members who go to church every Sunday” because women are always taught to tip feet around the man’s ego.
Since Dr. Ndaba’s revelation, women on social media have shared stories about giving male partners a debit or credit card when they go out for a meal, so it seems he is paying for the meal.
For Ms. Shange, this shows that the burden of a happy home is usually on the woman’s shoulders.
“You think: ‘If I just made them a car, they would be happy.’ Love blinds you.
When the university lecturer divorced her husband, she was in debt of R140,000 ($7,500; £5,600) – all paid in her name.
“In the past, I could have planned holidays and things like that. Now they are luxury goods,” she said.
Dr. Ndaba has been telling her followers painfully, as she did on a video blog: “Financial is an important aspect of people’s marriage.”
The lecturer cannot agree and urges young women to take some time when they know their partners and have open, honest conversations.
“Talk about finance, talk about your background, talk about emotions and character.”
Ms Gogoba urges more people to protect themselves from their partners and tells them to keep a separate bank account, keep PINS secure and monitor their credit cards.
They all agree that women should understand that love should not carry an unsustainable price tag.
You may also be right:
go bbcafrica.com More news about the African continent.
Follow us on Twitter @bbcafrica,on Facebook BBC Africa Or on Instagram bbcafraca
BBC Africa Podcast
