In a conversation with Life Kit, Vellos shared insights on how to turn strangers into friends, based on scientific research and her work as a friendship coach. In this role, she helps people who struggle to make friends where they live and talks with city leaders and urban planners about designing spaces for connection. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s talk about how to spot friends in the wild. Maybe it’s in a community space or a group dinner. How do you know if this person has the potential to be a friend?
Notice who you feel warm with and who you feel safe around. Also pay attention to whether they also express curiosity in wanting to know more about you.
He’s not necessarily the most exciting person in the room. They may have great charisma and magnetic charm, but they may not make you feel grounded.
Let’s say you meet someone who seems cool. How would you invite them to hang out?
A common mistake people make when trying to form new friendships is that they wait too long before meeting their new acquaintance again. At that point, the spark will die out.
There is a study on how long it takes to turn an acquaintance into a friend. it comes from Jeffrey Hall, [a professor of communication studies] at the University of Kansas.
He quantified how many hours will it take Turn strangers into friends: more than 30 ordinary friends. [Those hours] Compression does need to occur, preferably within the first few weeks of meeting.
This study confirms your intuition: If you spend a lot of time together when you first enter a relationship, you’re more likely to stick with it.
Many times adults follow some kind of arbitrary rule that you can’t hang out two days in a row, or you can’t see someone more than once a week. Unfortunately, this is why so many friendships fail.
As for what to do together, you suggest choosing a memorable activity.
Coffee dates are also good. Many people default to them on a first date. But coffee is easily forgotten. Feelings don’t matter. It’s easy to cancel and doesn’t give you much fodder for conversation.
So choose something more interesting. It will make people more excited, [and people are more likely] No cancellation.
So if you tell me you like to knit, I might say, “Hey, there’s a really cool yarn art exhibit here. Do you want to go?” You might be more likely to say “yes” because that’s something you really care about.
There is another benefit. Cornell University researchers Research has found that when people who don’t know each other well have unusual experiences together, it bonds them together faster than engaging in mundane activities, such as having a cup of coffee.
When we do something unusual, the novelty grabs your attention and leaves you with memories you can have together. [Going to] A classic car show or vegan food truck festival will be more memorable than a latte.
What if you start hanging out and realize you don’t actually like them?
It doesn’t matter if you don’t take this train all the way to Girlfriend Station.
Decide if you really don’t want to see them anymore, or if you just want to move them to the outer ring of connections.
There is indeed a ring. This is your inner circle. The next ring is for a friend you might invite to a birthday party. The next ring is [people you’d] Would be nice to see randomly, but don’t look for it. Then there is [people] You can accept who is a stranger.
Let’s say you have a new friend. It’s going well. You’ve been out several times. What are some ways to maintain friendships?
I often say that there are four seeds of connection: compatibility, frequency, proximity, and commitment. I describe this in the book. If these four elements are present, the friendship is more likely to last.
The first is compatibility. Hopefully there’s enough shared interest and chemistry there to make you want to continue. Then there’s frequency. How often do you meet? Proximity refers to the amount of time you can communicate face-to-face. How close can you get?
Over time, if you are both committed, you will both commit to the friendship.
This story was edited by Megan Keane. We’d love to hear from you. Please call 202-216-9823 and leave us a message, or send an email to LifeKit@npr.org.
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