Badzin talks with Life Kit about how to develop a mindset that can help you develop old friendships and the art of staying connected.
How would you define an old friend?
I think we have a lot [define old friends as the ones we made in] Childhood, or the people we became friends with in college, we still become friends with.
Being stuck together also makes us feel like old friends. It could be the job you have together with a tough boss and you are still a friend in ten years.
Why do some friendships survive for decades while others disappear?
What hinders old friendships is the lack of equality and effort. It’s hard not to expect others to achieve friendships the way we do or always do it.
Tell your friends what it is worth: “I really want to be loved or cared for.”
Yes, absolutely. For example, you could say, “I love the time we spent together, and I don’t mind that I have a lot of plans because meeting my friends is important to me. But I wonder if you really want these invitations.”
That said, I don’t think you should raise an aggravation for every friend. It goes back to the best and knows that people make friendships differently.
Let’s talk more about assuming the best intentions.
One of my former guest, Ruchi Koval, is a relationship coach and I love my quote. She said some people will never let us down and these people are called acquaintances.
An old friend, especially at some point, let us down, we will disappoint that person. Therefore, any long-standing friendship requires forgiveness. Forgiveness requires humility to do its best.
What does it mean if someone doesn’t have any old friends?
If you can’t maintain friendship, it may indicate that your mindset about friendship is somewhat unfavorable. Maybe you have unreasonable expectations.
I don’t say that is to make people feel scary. I said optimistically. Here is something you can change. You can now have someone who is working hard in your life so that from now on ten years, you can see that person as an old friend.
If you talk or talk to an old, outside friend every year or every five years or once a year, are you still friends?
Yes, but I won’t let five to ten years [without talking to them] If you can help it.
Being an adult means making time for your friends because it’s important. If all you can manage now is just the face of your long-distance friends, I will do it.
Sometimes those people feel like work.
It’s very much like sports. Few people regret taking a walk. Yes, we would love to sit down and watch TV, but once you go that walk, most people come back and they are like, “Okay, I’m glad I did.” The phone with friends was huge.
How important is it to be personal to connect with old friendships?
If you’ve been talking on the phone and texting an old long-distance friend for ten years, you want to get on the plane and meet that person at some point.
If we are talking about internal friends, it is important to get together in person. I like to be with someone in my home, not a restaurant. So loud. You can only talk to the people next to you. After 20 or 30 minutes, you are caught up and you kind of see your friend on the other side of the table and wonder what she is doing.
If you are in someone’s house, you can walk around. It’s more natural to talk to one person – then wait a moment and talk to another person. People love to be invited.
How do we give friends the grace and space for change?
Most of us want to be able to develop and change our ideas about things. If we have to keep the same perspective and interests starting in our 20s or 30s, there is not much hope in the world.
Give your friends space to try different lifestyles. No one likes it [be around] For example, someone said, “I thought you said you would never be one of those people who do CrossFit.”
This is one of the biggest gifts you can give to your friends. If we can give others as much space as possible, it will be a long way to go.
It sounds important to fight for your friendship.
All you can do is control the effort you put in and then take on the best of the people that matter to you.
Digital Story is edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We would love to hear from you. Please call us at 202-216-9823 to provide us with voicemail, or email us at lifekit@npr.org.
